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So many questions… Why did I watch this? Why did they make this? Why am I reviewing it a year after it came out? Alas I don’t have answers to those questions. I do, however have an answer to the biggest question of all. Was this movie worth seeing? No. No it was not.

Like most men(and many women) my age I was obsessed with the Turtles as a kid.   I spent most of my class time working on drawing the perfect ninja turtle.  I watched the show, played with the toys and was blown away by the original films.  The characters had distinct personalities that allowed kids to relate to them, whether they related to one or all of the teenaged terrapins.  I loved Donatello because he was like me, nerdy and funny.  The turtles were of their time but not only for their time.  They’ve endured for good reason and existed in many different forms and visual mediums.  This film is the least of all of those different incarnations.

Before I discuss what i don’t like, I’ll let you know what I enjoyed.  The turtles themselves were kind of cool.  They looked dopey, but the actors portraying them made the characters likeable.  They had the charm and wit that we’ve come to expect from the turtles.   Also Splinter looked pretty rad.  That’s about all of the positives I took away from this film.

Comic books and cartoons are fantastical and until recently folks adapting them have been fine with inexplainable reasonings and implausible scenarios.  In the last few years we’ve become so focused on real and believable retellings of classic comic stories.  The Dark Knight Trilogy a prime example.  We try so hard to believably explain away origin stories etc that they lose their fantastical elements and become more unbelievable.  We’re talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Realistically there’s nothing more absurd, but in comic land, it isn’t absurd, it’s perfectly normal.  Ooze made them this way so just forget about that and just watch them kick butt.  This movie isn’t content with that.  It’s quest for realness only adds to the ridiculousness.

The writing was bad, but the visual aspects of the movie were worse.  This movie looked like some bad show on the CW.  I don’t even really know what to say, it just looked cheap.  And speaking of looking cheap…Shredder.  What was with all of the knives?  I know he’s the Shredder but, golly, that was ridiculous.  The costume looked like something that I drew in 4th grade.  Most young boys have drawn that picture a million times.  A guy covered in weapons, but more weapons than could ever be held or used.  He looked scary enough with the knives that you could see, and then there were more, which just made me laugh.  Now I won’t deny that Super Shredder from The Secret of the Ooze isn’t crazy ridiculous but that was the whole point.  He appears immediately after the Turtles dance with Vanilla Ice.  It’s not meant to be serious, unfortunately this film seems to want us to take it seriously. Maybe that’s my whole problem with it.

I’m not going to waste anymore of anyones time on this film.  The long and short of it is…don’t watch it.

P.S.  I knew William Fichtner was the bad guy immediately.  He’s always the bad guy, kinda ruins the big reveal that he is indeed…the bad guy.

Reviewed by: Andrew Staff on September 1, 2015